Three individuals who participate in a planet of the apes discussion group on the world wide web were excited to win an excursion up in NASA's latest tourist spaceshuttle. Helen and Michael are two of the moderators of the group. Tim frequently contributes to the discussion and has a huge collection of apes memorabilia. Michael also has quite a large collection of apes memorabilia and brought several of his action figures with him. Tim left his stuff at home. About two hours into the trip, a violent ion storm took place and the captain of the shuttle got into a spacepod and bailed out. He programmed the ship onto
automatic pilot so the shuttle would return to Earth. The ship landed in a clearing next to a jungle and several gorillas on horses surrounded the craft.
Helen,Michael and Tim were escorted to Ape Headquarters where an orangutan called Dr Zaius demanded to know where they came from. He was particularly baffled by the action figure collection Michael had with him and was horified to
discover one of them was him. After a lengthy interrogation, the three humans convinced Dr Zaius not to execute them. Dr. Zira, a chimp psychologist intervened on their behalf and further convinced Dr Zaius into allowing the three humans to choose where they would reside. Their choices were limited.
     It was either the zoo and be on display in the primate section. The slave auction and go home with the highest bidder. The research institute where experiments of various kinds would be performed on them. The exotic pet shop where wealthy eccentric apes would purchase them or be dropped off in the jungle and take your chances with the elements.
     Helen decided that the pet shop or Andrea's Exotic Pet Emporium as it is called was the best option for her. Wise choice. An upwardly mobile orangutan couple purchased her on their platinum card and off she went. Now Helen frequently gives lectures at a local natural history museum on topics such as the care and preservation of snapping turtles and other creatures. Since the couple who purchased her are big donors to the museum, Helen is allowed to do this because the curator does not want to lose the funding. Helen also gets to attend wine and cheese parties and social events. Due to the orangutan couples'
financial status it is overlooked that Helen is human. She is often introduced as a hairless ape.
     Tim felt the zoo was the best option for him and was surprised to see that the primate section was a replica of a natural habitat. It reminded him somewhat of Discovery Cove in Florida, minus the dolphins. There were several 
pools of warm water, almost jacuzzi like in temperature. The zoo felt the humans should be able to swim. The food was fabulous due to the requirement of a
balanced diet. The zoo was a big supporter of animal rights and the humans were given activities to do all day. Tim painted most of the day and his paintings were sold at auctions to raise money for the zoo. As a result he became a celebrity and was escorted to gallery openings and art auctions. It was also great that there were more female humans than males in the primate section.
     At one gallery opening, Tim ran into Helen who was attending with the orangutan couple. After catching up on zoo life and the life of a pampered pet, Helen asked Tim if he heard anything about Michael. The last time he saw Michael, he was being transported by gorilla soldiers back to the jungle.
     Michael wandered into the jungle while the gorilla soldiers watched him, making sure he didn't get back into ape civilization. Zira hid his action figures behind a waterfall which he gathered up. Ironicly, he didn't encounter
any humans or apes but later in the day came across a troop of HOwler monkeys
who would adopt him. He learned their various vocalizations and the troop brought him food to eat. When a mountain lion approached him he panicked but the
lion turned to face the monkeys. He and the troop were friends. MIchael felt more like Mowgli in The Jungle Book than a fugitive on Planet of the Apes. Michael spent his days searching for any remnant of human civilization but gave up after finding a cassette of music by the Village People. Humans were really doomed. The Howler monkeys did their best to console him.

Moral: Always take out travel insurance if planning to take a NASA tourist flight.


ELaine HOward